2004-12-08 12:11 PM

SJP, Please Leave Me Be

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker:

Sex and the City ended almost a year ago. Why are you still here?

The first set of Gap ads were bad enough, the ones where you were wiggling your bony ass around an empty soundstage while Lenny Kravitz played his latest single (which sounds suspiciously like all his other singles). Remember the part where they had to stop filming to restring Lenny's guitar because you had accidentally brushed up against it with your hipbone? I still can't hear that song without grinding my teeth.

And I suppose I can't blame you for the charity ads because, after all, it is for charity. Doesn't mean I don't want to slap you for the bit where, after telling people they can shop and have some of the money go to charity, you announce, "I like shopping! Tee hee!"

But with the latest round of Gap ads, I've hit my limit. Not only are you and your model buddies in all of the magazines, several times over, but you're on the side of every damn bus in a 50-mile radius. I was trying on a shirt the other day and I was so startled by the image of you leering from the back of the dressing room door (and trying, with a cloying desperation, to twinkle at me) that I almost dropped the shirt. Also: metallic eyeshadow is aging. It settles into those crow's feet and lights them right up. If you ignore everything else in this letter, at least tell them to keep away from you with the silver eyeshadow.

Don't you understand that there are people who watched Sex and the City in spite of you and not because of you? Your character was ok until about halfway through the second season, when she lost her edge and became more dopey and giggly. This was around the time Charlotte turned into a prude, and also around the time you started getting that producer's credit. Hmmm.

I had high hopes that the pregnancy rumors might mean we'd be hearing less from you, until I remembered how having a baby didn't make Gwyneth Paltrow go away either. But there's still a chance that you might yet decide to protect your family's privacy and that this burst of visibility might be you just trying to cash in on that last bit of SatC fame before you retreat from public life altogether.

Here's hoping.



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