2005-02-04 13:32


Dear Makers of those Cute Chalky Valentine Hearts:

I saw a picture of your product recently, and at first glance it looked like one of the hearts said BEER ME. Which I really liked -- after all, who doesn't need to be beered (or wined, or sodad)? Then I realized that it said BEEP ME. It should say IM ME, or maybe SMS ME, because I don't think anyone's been BEEPed since 1998 or so. Please tell me this is an old picture.

And while I have your attention, let's talk about this year's new slogans. Now I realize your company is based in Boston, where people are still kind of nutty about that Sox win last fall, but DREAM TEAM? BE A SPORT? Come on.

LUV U NEWAY, Magpie.

Dear People On My Genealogy Mailing List:

This is hard to say, because so many of you are sweet old grannies and no one wants to be mean to Grandma. (And I realize that, between having genealogy as a hobby and that bridge habit I had in high school, I've had one foot in grandmaland for a looong time, so the moral high ground here, she is shaky.) But unless you would also like your ancestor's remains to be launched into space, when you ask people to search for a death notice for that person, please request an "obit." Not "ORbit." "Obit."

Spacily yours,

Dear Expo Design Center A Home Depot Company:

I've been chatting quite a bit in the past couple of months with the customer service reps in your bath department. One thing I've noticed is that none of the many, many people I've talked to have last names. Is it that your reps are so special that they just go by one name, like Cher and Madonna? Or are Joe I'm The Only Joe Here and Emil Last Name That Sounds Suspiciously Like The Brand Name Of The Bathtub I'm Calling About in some kind of customer service witness protection program? Come to think of it, that would explain an awful lot.

If you'd like me to shop at your store again, just give me a call! I'm in the phone book under Magpie American Standard.

At least the stuff was nice,

Dear One Loyal Reader:

I know I've been gone a long time, and I don't really have a good explanation, other than that I've been in a post-holidays funk and slacking off on lots of things. (Just ask my gym, who sent me a "wow, you actually use your membership, so here are some special offers to suck in some of your friends" card back in October or so, when the last time they saw me was.) The best explanation I can offer is that I actually managed to do 25 days straight of Holidailies and, since in a good week I don't seem to have more than 4 entries in me, the writing center of my brain must have imploded as a result.

I hope you didn't miss me too much. There's been some good stuff on TV lately. Did they finally get you cable on the common-room TV?



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