2002-07-31 10:17 p.m.
Dear Nielsen Diary: The Warmup
Just in the nick of time, I got my Nielsen diary. ('Scuse me, Diary. Or NielsenTV Viewing Diary if you're nasty.) It included a Q&A brochure (with a line drawing of a happy whitebread family with 2 children and a cat), a letter and five bucks in cash.
The most entertaining questions in the Q&A are not in the printed brochure, but on the website. (Some of the questions make one wonder if the people who'd be asking could even work a computer, but never mind that.) "Step 1" (of the "3 Easy Steps!") is five pages long alone, so let me save you a little time:
We are three single women living in the same house and we each have our own separate phone lines. Who is considered the "Female Head of House"?
Whoever is listed first on the lease should enter their name in "Female Head of Household" (column 2). Enter the other names in column 3 and 4. Write "None" in column 1. Do not use column 1, as that is provided for Male Head of Household only.
What do you mean by "Number of hours worked" (for the TV or me)?
This question refers to household members who are employed. Enter hours worked per week for each employed member of the household.
What do I write if I am recording but not watching or listening to a program with the TV on?
Enter the information in the same manner you record other viewing. Write "VCR" next to the program name. Leave all viewer columns blank and mark an "X" and draw a line down the "TV on but no one Watching/Listening" column. See the example below.
Should I write in only network TV viewing, such as ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC, PAX, UPN, WB, etc.? [Note conspicuous absence of PBS.]
Please write in all channels that you watch, as you watch them, using the call letters and channel numbers of the stations.
What about the programs I enjoy the most or the least?
There is space in the inside back cover of the diary to write in comments about what you like and don't like about TV in general or a particular program. TV executives review the comment sheets and your input is valuable to them.
Where should I enter evening viewing in the diary if the page for daytime viewing is from 5:00 AM to 5:00 PM?
Please turn to the next page in your diary. Evening viewing is from 5:00 PM until 5:00 AM. Note that the time column is a darker shade of blue for the evening diary page and a moon is shown on the left side of the page. Late-night viewing should also be entered in the diary.
Should I watch a variety of TV programs during the diary keeping week and enter them in the diary?
No. [Damn! They're on to me!] Please do not change your regular TV viewing habits while filling in the diary. This survey should accurately reflect what you and/or other household members actually viewed during the survey week. Watch television as you normally would. If you watch "special" presentations, then enter the name of the special in the diary.
If I watch TV outdoors (in my yard or in the patio) on a portable TV, do I enter that TV viewing in my diary?
Yes. As long as the TV viewing is at your place of residence, enter it in the diary.
What if I have two TVs on, and am watching both of them at the same time, how should the diaries be completed?
Write in each diary what is playing on each TV set and mark an "X" in the column of the person who is watching the programs.
The letter reads, in part:
The enclosed money is a "token of our appreciation" for filling in your Diary. You may wish to use it to brighten the day of a child that you know.
Pffth. Fuck that. I'm using it to brighten the wretched, undercaffeinated morning of a certain sysadmin tomorrow down at the local coffee shop. Maybe throw in a muffin -- y'know, for extra brightening.
I'm old! Gimme gimme!