2003-10-02 9:10 a.m.

Governance by Underpants Gnomes

I'm sad that the recall election is still happening October 7 as originally planned, and that the three-judge panel's ruling was overriden by the eleven-judge panel's ruling saying that hanging chads are A-OK for this election.

After all, the only rational response to all this is to run for governor myself, and I'd been thinking that I might not be able to pull together a write-in candidacy in a week. However, Ahnuld's had over 25 years to think about it and doesn't have his platform together much more than I do. Here's an example: a 15-second ad (he didn't have enough substance to fill out the whole 30 seconds, apparently), which aired during my favorite estrogen-soaked hour of television, Gilmore Girls.

(Scene: a place that is apparently supposed to be a school cafeteria. AHNULD is walking through the kitchen, though half of the people behind him are wearing suits and not chef's clothes. Does this mean that there are too many suits being cooks and therefore spoiling the broth that is our educational system? Sadly, Ahnuld only offers the following guidance:)

AHNULD: My candidacy is all about big change in Sacramento. The people have a right to know what that means for them.

(Cut to AHNULD sitting in the middle of a multiethnic circle of Californians. Behind him is a tray of cookies next to a coffee pot and one of those vegetable-stuffed olive oil bottles. Did your school have decorative oil bottles in the cafeteria? None of mine did. Of course that may be because I'm old and I finished school before those silly bottles were in style, but still, it seems like a stupid school budget expenditure to me. But I digress. Back to our demographically correct coffee klatch.)

CLUELESS SOCCER MOM (WHITE): How are you going to end the financial mess?

AHNULD: Well, California is spending 29 million dollars per day more than it takes in. Now, here's my plan. Day One: Audit everything. Open the books. And then we end the crazy deficit spending!

BUSINESS-FRIENDLY BLACK MAN nods sagely. (See how much Ahnuld supports women! He lets them talk and everything! Never you mind his comment about not letting his wife wear pants -- Ahnuld's the real deal, ladies!)

CLUELESS SOCCER MOM (LATINA): Will you have to cut education?

AHNULD: No, we can fix this mess without hurting the schools. For me, children come (turns to face camera) first. (turns away) Always have. Always will.

Those of you who have seen the Underpants Gnomes episode of South Park will find this oddly familiar. For those who haven't seen it, it's a perfect satirical summation of the entire dot-com era. (Even the Motley Fool ran an article about it.) The gnomes expect to get rich stealing underpants, and their business plan goes like this:

1) Collect underpants.
2) (silence)
3) Profit!

I'm not holding my breath waiting for phase 2.

I have an episode of Oprah (recorded on its second showing, because on the day it first aired, I simply could not bring myself to call up TheBoy and utter the words, "Please TiVo today's Oprah for me") in which Ahnuld attempts to pander to reach out to women. After seeing that ad I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to watch it.

* * *

Dear A's:

While last night's game was exciting and suspenseful, and will certainly go down in my list of Most Memorable Baseball Games Ever, bringing in that win was like killing Rasputin. I'll be in the crowd today and will be sincerely hoping that you can close the deal in under four hours. Thank you for your consideration.



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