2003-11-19 8:11 p.m.

Does Bay Area News Really Suck? Tonight at 11!

I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea of a Burt Reynolds guest appearance on tonight's wedding proposal episode of Ed when the ad for the latest sweeps-month news story came on the radio:

You've bought plastic bottles of water, used all the water and then filled them up and used them again. After you hear tonight's report, you'll never do that again! Tonight! on the award-winning Eyewitless News, at 5, 6, 9, 10 and 11.

Other scandalous! exposes! this month have included:

Some people with handicapped permits are actually able-bodied! We catch these tricksters on tape, and just wait until you hear their excuses! Tonight! on the award-winning Eyewitless News.

You sit and wait for them every day. Do the metering lights on the Bay Bridge rrrrrreally speed up your commute? Find out tonight! on the award-winning Eyewitless News.

Whatever happened to the good old days, when the newscasts would feast for weeks on such stories as a penis (sadly detached from its previous owner) found on a railroad track? Come up with something juicy or lose me forever, people.

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