2005-02-06 8:24 p.m.
The Next Big Scandal of 2005
They're just making it too easy.
For those of you who didn't give a rat's ass about the Super Bowl, or who happened to look away at the critical moment, one of Pepsi's ads this year was yet another rehash of their old "are they checking out the hottie or the Diet Pepsi?" ad.
The ad shows a guy in a tank top strutting down a crowded city street, drinking a Diet Pepsi while various women check him out. Right after Cindy Crawford gives him (or his soda) the once-over, they cut to a longer shot, where we see a blond head headed the other way stop, turn and check out the beefcake. Why, it's Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, who (in the moment that undoubtedly took thousands of paranoid straight men from passive, sphincter-clenching horror and lauched them right off their couches to go write angry letters to anyone who would listen) turned around and started following the guy. Oh no! the pudgy, pleated-khaki-wearing fans thought as they madly scribbled their missives. What if I'm next?
I predict we will see most of the following happen within the next week:
- Paul McCartney's tired halftime show will be completely forgotten.
(As it should be, but before it slips your mind altogether: Screaming
groupies? C'mon, the dude is 60 and hasn't had a hit in years.)
- Several right-wing organizations (including Focus on the Family and
the Parents' Television Council) will come out with press releases decrying
Pepsi's endorsement of the homosexual agenda, fret about The Children
and call for an immediate boycott of all Pepsi products.
- Pepsi will also issue a press release in which they state that the
ad was all in good fun and that they're shocked -- shocked! -- and so
terribly sorry that a few people might have been offended by it.
- Queer Eye, which has lost some of its charm due to last
year's overexposure and the ridiculous number of product placements
they now have in each episode, will get a welcome boost in ratings.
Carson will start getting calls from reporters again, who will need
snappy quotes for the Time magazine cover story for three weeks
from now, Have Gays Gone Too Far?. Carson will swear that the
ad was not a political statement but allow as how he doesn't think
anti-gay attitudes are such a great idea -- for which he'll get ripped
again by slightly more moderate groups for promoting the gay agenda
in the press.
- Sportswriters everywhere, inspired by the Patriots' appearance
in both this year's Super Bowl and last, and running low on off-season
material since the Red Sox won the series last year, will start writing
stories about the "Super Bowl Curse."
- Right in the midst of the latest round of media caterwauling,
Entertainment Weekly's Mark Harris will write a witty commentary
deconstructing the whole mess and pointing out that, even though they
never address it in a serious way on Queer Eye, that yes, dudes
checking out dudes is pretty central to the whole male homosexual thing.
I will write him a mash note begging to be his hag.
- Paul Tagliabue will get on the horn to
Up
With
People to book next year's halftime show. If the singing-and-dancing arm of the organization has truly called it quits, he will offer a very large donation to coax them out of retirement.