2003-04-09 11:05 p.m.
A Love Note From The Party
Dear Magpie Nest,
(starts the letter, which came in one of those cheesy faux-FedEx envelopes with counterfeit printed "handwriting" on it)
Remember us? We're the political party you registered with lo these many years ago. We just finished counting the last of the soft money, and with a little time on our hands and the 2004 elections coming up, we got to thinking about you and those good times we once had.
It seems like just yesterday you were a dewy-eyed first-time voter and believed that democracy actually worked on the national level. Remember when Bill Clinton was in office and champagne was flowing in the streets? Remember when your 401k was worth something? Remember when it would have actually surprised you to e-mail your senator, weeks before a war was scheduled to start, only to have her sit on a response until literally 3 minutes after the war starts? And have that response read, "too bad, so sad about the war, but it's too late to change it and thanks for your input?" No, forget about that. We're thinking about the good times here.
We hope you'll remember all these good times and vote for our party in the next election. We hope you'll tell your friends to as well. We remember you, one of the little people without soft money, and if we throw you a little nugget of hope, maybe you'll stick around. Yes, we may be married to the campaign contributors, but you and us, we had some special times. Someday we might actually leave the contributors and represent your interests instead, but we just can't do that until after the next election. We hope you understand.
Love,
The Chairman of the Democratic Party
P. S. Wouldn't it suck to have to wait for that divorce until 2009? Please return the survey today!
The Sop To the Little People Strategy Poll
Prepared for: You! See! That's your name printed on it right on front!
Representing: Your City! See! This is all about you!
Impressive-Looking Poll Booklet Code: Because you count! Really! Honest!
Please Complete and Return By: Now! Now! Now! Because you're important!
- Notice how we've take the time to print your name on the front of the book.
- Answer our oversimplified, multiple-choice questions, none of which really reflect
your true concerns.
- Send us money. We know you likely don't have a job right now, and that your senators
from our party have done jack to fight for jobs in California, but please root around in
your couch and send us some of that ramen money.
- Fold your survey up into a little origami crane, the better to send your response flying into
the trash, and send it to us in that non-postage-paid envelope. Don't forget to put in money!