2002-12-11 9:13 p.m.
Xmas Shopping The Magpie Way!
Now that Aunt Slappy's all locked up, there's the rest of the family to worry about. I just can't make up my mind about which among all these wonderful gifts, conveniently available online, should go to my nearest and dearest:
- If a shop or item advertises itself as "funny" or "elegant," chances are it isn't.
Here's a prime example
of that principle at work. And
another.
- You really can find anything
on eBay.
- This collectible ornament
will render the givee speechless. It's brought to you by a shop that advertises itself as
selling "potty training and novelty gifts," so you know it's quality.
- This lighter
will "be the Laugh of the office," provided it doesn't get you fired first.
- Thanks to the wonders of online shopping,
any activity can
be filled with the Christmas spirit. (And after seeing that one, you have to wonder what
they were thinking when they named this gadget.)
- "Truly I say to you that one of you
will betray Me to My enemies. Hey, pass the mashed potatoes?" For those truly contentious
family gatherings.
- You can't lose, financially speaking, combining Christmas and patriotism in
a musical toy.
- "I wanted to make a family Christmas album
that would make you feel good,"
says Barry Manilow. "And the way I thought I'd get there was to swing."
- Farting toys aren't just
for eBay -- there's an entire online store called FartMart, for
"all your fart toys and farting merchandise."
- A symbol of lack of trust in marriage -- made
into religious gifts for that most sacred of holidays.
- And last but not least, we mustn't forget our friends of other faiths at this time of year.
For Hanukkah, buy your Jewish friends a Dancing
Harvey Magila. And just as you'd buy Christian socks
for your own family, don't forget to stock up on Jewish Socks
too.
For Kwanzaa, you can buy a Baba Nguzo Saba, or "father of the seven principles" statue. Funny how there's no mention of a Father Kwanzaa on the official Kwanzaa website, and the only sites that do mention such a thing all sell this statue. But, hey, the holiday's nearly 40 years old -- isn't it time it got commercialized?
And for our Muslim friends -- oh, I forgot we're not allowed to have Muslim friends any more. Sorry, Office of Homeland Security, it won't happen again!