2003-03-23 11:37 a.m.
Soldiers for the Superficial
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Academy.
This stuff we hear about America wanting to think about war, about wanting to worry about serious things, is a lot of bullshit. America loves its movies and it loves its celebrities in those movies: the glamorous spy, the mother who's fighting for what's right, the hooker with a heart of gold, the uptight dad of a rebellious teenager, the man caught in circumstances beyond his control. And all of them looking fabulous while fighting the good fight. America can't stand losers. America wouldn't accept anything less.
Even the lowliest of starlets has a job to do tonight. What if every bit player decided she wanted to wear comfortable shoes and that a few wrinkles wouldn't kill her? Where would that leave the rest of us?
The field of battle is changing quickly. The bleachers have been cleared. The red carpet is rolled up. The sons of bitches in Joan Rivers' evil regime have been exiled, at least for this year.
You have been holed up in luxury suites all around Los Angeles preparing yourselves for this moment, watching and waiting. As you prepare to storm the beaches of the Kodak Theatre, remember why you're here. You are here to fight for America. Your six-hour makeup jobs. Your borrowed jewels from Harry Winston. Your low-cut dresses held together with double-sided tape and a prayer. Your incandescent shallowness. All of this is comfort to your country in its hour of need.
Lopez. Spielberg. Berry. Affleck. Hanks. Be brave, be strong, and don't let the troubles of the world distract you from your mission. Get out there and show off your capped teeth and new facelifts. Don't let your country down.
That's all, and good luck.