2003-12-15 8:25 p.m.

Letter to the Previous Owner Of My House

Dear Little Old Lady Whose Son Sold Me My House:

I'm very happy with my new house, and I'm glad that the money I spent on it will be going to fund your dotage rather than financing some annoying Boomer's move up the hill where he'll fill his new driveway with Range Rovers. However, I've come across a few things while getting to know the house that really have me scratching my head. Maybe you can help.

First off, the shelf paper. I know they don't make shelf paper now quite like they did in 1962, but when it starts to peel, it's time for it to go. When the thumbtacks holding the peeling shelf paper on have been there so long they've rusted, it's way past time for it to go. Remove it, grieve, move on.

About the plywood-covered holes in the floor from the heater -- you know, where those vicious grills you can burn your feet on used to be? Believe me, I'm glad you got rid of them, because I don't have the presence of mind to avoid scorching my feet on the way to the kitchen in the mornings. But judging by the building permits, the heater was replaced in 1993. I couldn't put up with the holes in the floor for a month, and I haven't even moved in yet; how did you manage to stand it for a whole decade?

Third, the paneling in my future computer room. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea in 1970, but a lot of time has passed since then. And what's up with the weird metal cams in the walls? Was there a clothesline in there or something?

Finally, was the washer always as loud as it is now, or did it gradually get louder and louder, much in the same way as putting a frog in boiling water will supposedly cause him to jump out, but if you start out cold and gradually heat it he'll cook? No matter. I'm sure there will be a nice poor family who will buy them from the St. Vincent de Paul thrift shop. Hopefully a family with a garage very, very far from the house.

Inquisitively,

Magpie Nest.

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