2003-06-12 2:43 PM
Lahaina = Sausalito - fog + parrots
Most of Maui is sunny and welcoming and fun. You can climb volcanoes and visit rainforests and snorkel and otherwise have wonderful, travel brochure-worthy tropical adventures. (It's every bit as pretty as it looks in those brochures, too.) You can lounge around on the beach with a book and a ridiculous umbrella drink in hand and without a single thought troubling your pretty little head, if that's what you wish. (Seeing as TheBoy and I were completely burned out from the stupidity and drama at our respective jobs, that's precisely what we wished.)
Most of Maui is a lovely, lovely place to spend a vacation. But. There's always a "but," isn't there?
"Seen from a short distance offshore," my guidebook says, "Lahaina is one of the prettiest towns in all of Hawaii [...] Up close, however, many of Lahaina's decrepit-looking structures turn out to be fakes, housing T-shirt stores and tacky themed restaurants, and the crowds and congestion along Front Street can seem all too reminiscent of Waikiki."
Lahaina is the gaping maw of Tourist Hell. Lahaina is full of scary, chipper people trying to sell you "activities," which means they smile and chirp at you incessantly, every inch the picture of mindless, vaguely unsettling good cheer while they chivvy you into their shop, at which point they chain you to a chair and make you watch a 45-minute timeshare presentation. Then you get a parting smack on the ass and three bucks off a snorkel cruise for your trouble, as you stumble, disoriented, back into the bright tropical sun. This is why any skills you may have developed fending off spare-changers in the big city really come in handy in Lahaina.
Other popular activities include going to annoying, overpriced chain restaurants; hitting on hot chicks in bikinis; puking; and having your picture taken with parrots. (Pseudo-safari Croc Hunter getups seem to be de rigeur among the huckster set there. TheBoy nearly assaulted some doofus in a pith helmet who tried to give us a "citation for fun." I was with him in spirit on that, but wouldn't have been able to spot him the bail money.)
Later on, the guidebook complains that it's hard to find good local crafts. That's because your average Lahaina tourist doesn't want charming, authentic native crafts. Your average Lahaina tourist wants "Nice Papayas" t-shirts. Which tells you all you need to know, really.