2002-10-14 10:51 p.m.
IC #2: Safety Recall of Defective Creation
Office of Compliance
Division of Corrective Actions
Consumer Product Safety Commission
Washington, DC 20207
To whom it may concern:
Enclosed please find the information you requested for Celestial Creator, LLC's filing of the Safety Recall of Defective Creation. As we discussed earlier, people tend to disregard direct communication from the Supreme Being. The credibility of a CPSC press release will greatly assist us in spreading the word about this danger.
Magpie Nest, Supreme Being
Celestial Creator, LLC
I, Magpie Nest, hereby certify that I am Chief Executive
Officer Supreme Being of the above-named company and that as such
I am authorized to sign documents and to certify on behalf of said company
the accuracy and completeness of information in such documents.
Pursuant to the power divine authority vested
embodied in me, I hereby certify that the information included in this report
is correct and complete.
s/
(Name and Title) Magpie Nest, Supreme Being
(Company) dba Celestial Creator, LLC
(Address) Mt. Tamalympus, CA 94941-7777
(1) An identification and description of the product(s). Give retail prices, model numbers, serial numbers, and date codes. Describe any identifying marks and their location on the product. Provide a picture or a sample of the product.
Solenopsis invicta, commonly known as the red imported fire ant. Species ranges from 2 to 6 mm in length and range from brown to orange-red in color.
(2) The name and address of the manufacturer (or importer).
Magpie Nest dba Celestial Creator, LLC
Mt. Tamalympus, CA 94941-7777.
(3) A description of the nature of the defect, failure to comply, or risk. If technical drawings, test results, schematics, diagrams, blueprints, or other graphic depictions are available, attach copies.
Stinging is vicious, repeated and often synchronized. Species kills everything in its path. In short, the closest evolution has brought us to pure evil.
See also the attached documentation.
(4) The nature of the injury or the possible injury associated with the product defect, failure to comply, or risk.
- Painful stings, resulting in anaphylactic shock in a small percentage
of the population
- Destruction to native species
- Widespread agricultural loss
- Damage to electrical wiring
- Profoundly pissing off the Supreme Being by their mere existence
(5) The manner in which and the date when the information about the defect, noncompliance, or risk (e.g., complaints, reported injuries, quality control testing) was obtained. Give a chronological account of facts or events leading to the report under section 15(b) of the CPSA, beginning with receipt of the first information which ultimately led to the report. Also included may be an analysis of these facts or events.
Repeated, weepy prayer reports from thousands of Texans on the fire ant problem have intensified in the last 20 years. However, these were difficult to separate from the din of prayers for successful football games, pleas for the unsaved and requests for intervention in loved ones' DUI cases.
The high risk of injury was not known to us until 1992, when Ms. Nest temporarily relocated corporate headquarters to Texas. At that point she suffered her first fire ant bite, which required crutches and a course of antibiotics and caused her to smite everyone around her for close to two weeks.
(6) The total number of products and units involved.
Untold millions.
(7) The dates when products and units were manufactured, imported, distributed, and sold at retail.
Fire ants first arrived in the United States via the port of Mobile, Alabama in the 1920s or 1930s. They had spread as far west as Texas by 1957. The company was recently notified that the fire ant has been found in southern California as long ago as 1997, intensifying the urgency of this recall.
(8) An explanation of any changes (e.g., designs, adjustments, and additional parts, quality control, testing) that have been or will be effected to correct the defect, failure to comply, or risk and of the steps that have been or will be taken to prevent similar occurrences in the future together with the timetable for implementing such changes and steps.
None. Creation will be completely withdrawn from the planet.
Pesticides have proven ineffective in eradicating the species, since an ant killer that works too well makes itself obsolete and removes the profit motive for its manufacturer.
Fire Ant Awareness Week, despite being illustrated with cute cartoons of suffering ants, has also proved ineffective.
Scientists have received divine assistance and blessings until now, but the company was dismayed to find that some advocate giving up on killing fire ants under some circumstances. One report claims that "maintaining several large, and perhaps well-marked, colonies may be a sound way to stabilize fire ant populations in an area, as long as there is a low risk of people or pets stumbling into the nests."
Since nothing short of total elimination is acceptable to the Supreme Being, the decision for a complete recall was made.
Future problems will be avoided by enforcing better quality control on the evolutionary process and by improving monitoring of potential rogue species. In particular, the company will keep a closer eye on skunks, urban deer populations and people who drive SUVs while yakking on their cell phones.
(9) Information that has been or will be given to purchasers, including consumers, about the defect, noncompliance, or risk with a description of how this information has been or will be communicated.
Press releases through CPSC. Direct communication from the Supreme Being has not been met with a good response in the past, and sending down another messiah was deemed excessive for the anti-fire-ant message.