2002-10-19 9:01 p.m.

The Highest Expression of the Book Builder's Art

The book clubs have me pegged as a sucker.

I joined two book clubs (a paperback club and a house porn club) and I'm now inundated with offers for new ones. The "Better Homes and Gardens" club, the military book club ("Magpie! You are wanted at the front!"), the new age book club (guess it's that northern California address that make them think I'll bite), the trashy romance club and so on and so on and so on.

But none have made me laugh like the latest one I got, 100 MOST IMPRESSIVE BOOKS EVER by Parvenu Press.

OK, it's not really called that, but it might as well be. Check this out:

When you build a library to be proud of, your family benefits for generations.

Accept Moby Dick in an exquisite leather-bound edition, accented with genuine 22-karat gold, for only $5.95 as your introduction to THE 100 MOST IMPRESSIVE BOOKS EVER.

[And here's where it starts flying thick and fast.]

Why must you be frustrated in your efforts to meet your high standards? Why must you struggle [oh! the struggle!] in your search for rare objects whose workmanship, quality and value are commensurate with your criteria for excellence?

You don't have to! [Thank God! Please tell me more!]

You are invited to reward yourself with a leather-bound, pure 22-karat gold-accented Collector Edition of Moby Dick, one of THE 100 MOST IMPRESSIVE BOOKS EVER.

Imagine the shelves of your bookcase [emphasis mine] filled with the warmth of fine leather. Imagine sunlight glimmering off pure 22-karat gold.

All this is yours, beginning with Moby Dick.

Reason #1 why this ad was horribly misdirected: bookcase, singular. When I read this, I felt a little like when I get spam for a hair loss cure or breast enhancement. While the idea of a huge, yawning bookcase that doesn't have enough books to fill it is undoubtedly sad and painful, for good or ill that's something I've never had to struggle with. In fact, since I was a wee fledgling, I've always had the opposite problem: there have always been more books than bookcase. No matter how many bookcases I buy and how many times I sell off books, there are still tottering stacks of books all over the place.

Which brings us to reason #2 that I was the wrong person to send this to:

Your Parvenu Press leather-bound editions, accented with pure 22-karat gold [again with the gold! I love shiny and all, but this is overkill], are only beginning their journey through time. As they are passed down in your family, they too may achieve the status of the magnificent tomes that even scholars are honored to hold.

The legacies members of my family have passed down have been 1% of interest or lasting value and 99% crap. The last thing I need to unload on my "heirs" when I shuffle off are more books to sort through. If past experience holds out, it will go something like this:

"Hey, what's in that box?"

"More books." (opens cover) "The personal nameplate on this Parvenu Press Collector Edition -- embossed with Pure 22-Karat Gold! -- says that this was from the library of Great-Aunt Magpie. Christ! Didn't that woman get rid of anything?

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