2002-07-29 10:29 p.m.

The Human Bullhorn

TheBoy and I settled into our seats at the A's game, and heard (and felt) something that was vaguely familiar.

The guy a row back and a few seats over had a nerdy voice with a monotonous inflection -- but with incredible projecting power. Next to him was a guy who put his feet on the seats and then started wrigging and tapping them like a small child full of M&Ms at the end of a six hour flight, yet he somehow managed not to shake loose the remarkably quiet woman hanging off his arm.

It was the dreaded return of The Human Bullhorn and The Toddler.

We'd had the misfortune to sit near The Human Bullhorn during another game last season, and once again he seemed determined to bore every fan within a 20-yard radius.

Everyone else: baseball baseball baseball *crack!* YAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!! baseball baseball

The Human Bullhorn: IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY, AND DIE AFTER TWO YEARS, YOUR KIDS WON'T INHERIT ANY MORE OF YOUR PAYMENTS! IT JUST STOPS! SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT! DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT TIME I MET REGGIE JACKSON!

The Toddler: *kick* *wriggle* *kick* *squirm* *kick*

By the fifth inning, most of our section knew all about this guy's favorite body shop on San Pablo ("THE GUY'S A KING!"), which neighborhood in San Rafael he won't drive in ("BECAUSE NOBODY THERE SPEAKS ENGLISH!"), his opinions on proper casual carpool etiquette, and that guy who didn't come to his wedding. We discussed containment strategies with the people in the row in front of us, but we decided that there wasn't enough beer in the stadium to put this guy to sleep fast enough. We settled for pointed barbs at only slightly louder than normal volume.

Finally, the kicking got to me and I told The Toddler to knock it off. He looked at me like someone who'd never been told no in his life. Shortly after that we left. The people in front of us were fun to chat with (and commiserate with) but the game was slow and we were both tired.

Besides, The Human Bullhorn had promised his friends he'd sing along with "Take Me Out To The Ball Game," and TheBoy hadn't brought enough cash to cover my bail.

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