2002-06-06 8:55 PM
Squid DO's and DONT's!
Lately TheBoy's been driving me in to work. ("Like I have anything better to do these days," he opines, unemployedly. It gets him out of the house, plus he sometimes scores coffee out of the deal, depending on how late we're running, so it's all for the good.)
The sheer number of squids we see on the way in is astounding. It doesn't even get all that hot here, yet there are uncountable numbers of riders who think that riding through the morning fog at 65 mph, on a big overpowered motorcycle, weaving in and out of traffic, while wearing shorts, is somehow a good idea. (I don't even ride and I get worked up over this.)
One morning I'm going to bring my digital camera with me and start culling material for a new website, a cross between Glamour's "Do's and Don'ts" fashion column and the late, lamented Highway 17 Hall of Shame. It will feature photos of bikers in inadequate gear, doing stupid things, and they'll have black bars Photoshopped over their eyes. I'm calling it "Squid DOs and DON'Ts!"
- DO! Wear a Beanie Helmet. Don't let a face shield get in the
way of showing everyone your handsome mug. Having bugs glancing off your
cheekbones at 70 miles an hour just shows everyone how tough you are.
- DON'T! Wear Motorcycle Boots. They're not worth the trouble,
they'll look dumb wherever you're going, and you're way too studly a rider to
ever crash anyway, so why sweat it?
- DO! Own The Whole Damn Road.Lanesplitting, taking up the whole
lane or even taking on two lanes at once -- it's all good when the road is
all for you, you, you! The stars say it's an especially good month for
fun-loving Sag to take on the open road, even if it's not actually "open"!
- DO! Wear Loose, Comfortable Street Clothes when riding. One of
the joys of biking is having your armpit hair ruffled by the breeze, so
don't let those gear nazis hold you back! A little road rash is just the
price you pay for riding. Plus having to pick a pound of gravel out of
your back will give that hot nurse even more reason to stay by your
bedside!
- DON'T! Let Anyone Pass You for any reason, ever. You can take
anyone you want, because you're the biggest badass on the road and you know
it. Don't let those wussy cagers ever forget that!
www.squid-dos-and-donts.com. Unless the Northern California squid community is suddenly and collectively seized by a fit of common sense, look for it soon in a browser near you.